A yes-man is a liar. He lies to himself, and he lies to others. He says yes to everything to try to gain approval, validation, acceptance or love. In my mind, a yes-man and a nice guy are interchangeable. Amongst men, a yes-man is not respected or trusted. Amongst women, he is viewed as weak and desperate.
At a fundamental level, a man that possesses an inability to say no is incapable of effective leadership in a relationship. He also can’t be a true friend to other men due to his fear of hurting someone’s feelings and not being liked. The problem is, nobody likes the guy who can’t be honest, so the yes-man is screwed from the jump.
The yes-man needs to learn that it is better to be honest and disliked, than it is to be liked and dishonest.
The yes-man needs to learn that no woman will ever truly respect him if he continues to chronically and habitually say yes to everything. A woman will never be able to feel safe and secure in a man’s presence if he demonstrates an incapability to speak his mind. Far too often men will think that the key to relational success is agreeableness. What he fails to realize is that to do nothing but agree with her is to turn himself into her follower. Men like this need to learn how to make there yes mean yes and their no mean no if they want to claim respect and truly lead in life.
When a man cannot say no and mean it, his woman can turn into a tyrant. She craves masculine energy from him, but just gets passive, nice guy BS. Sometimes a woman in a dynamic like this will subconsciously start to provoke him just to feel some backbone and fire from him. Guys stuck in this dynamic fail to see that sometimes putting their foot down and having a healthy moment of conflict is the most loving thing that they could do. Not all conflict is bad. Sometimes we need a good dose of it to sort things out. Refusal to stand up for yourself as a man and speak the truth is not loving, it’s actually withholding of love. Love doesn’t always come across as nice, sweet and gentle. Sometimes love needs to be fierce, bold and courageous.
So if you are a man stuck in the yes-man routine, start by practicing bringing awareness to everything you are saying yes and no to. Was your yes authentic? What does a yes feel like in your gut, compared to a no? Start to practice noticing these things, and then start to practice bringing voice to what is authentic for you. Remember, she’s going to have a hard time following a man who buries his likes, needs, preferences, wants and desires. So start reconnecting to them. Stop being a pushover. Stop being fake. Stop lying to yourself, and to those around you.
Having the courage to be truthful is how you develop integrity, trustworthiness and respect. Give yourself permission to practice this, without expecting to get it right 100% of the time.
You’ve got this.
Brendan
Ladies, what is your experience with yes-men or nice guys?
Gents, is this topic something that you struggle with?
Let me know in the comment section.
Good word! Definitely from the man side, you need to have core values to live by and develop the ability to say yes or no based on those core values... living outside your core values creates an inauthentic life! Like the Bible says “let your yes be yes and your no be no.”
This also can overflow into other areas of life. The world is full of “yes-men” and that’s a major reason of why society is where it’s at. Masculine men stand up for their beliefs and morals. They don’t cower and go with the flow. Men shouldn’t be afraid to stand up. Yes, standing up for your beliefs and morals is hard, but life is hard. Choose your hard.