The Standard | 04 Marriage Is Not A Formula
Getting real about success in marriage.
When I first discovered traditional gender roles, I thought I had found the magic formula for a successful marriage. It felt like I had cracked the code. I started Masculine Revival, and part of the reason the content took off was because it was simple, digestible, and formulaic. The idea was straightforward: if a man shows up strong in his “masculine energy,” it will make a woman feel safe enough to step into her “feminine energy.” Masculine man = feminine woman. When a man leads, a woman follows.
There’s truth in that. Generally speaking, men should strive to embody their masculinity. The opposite of that is effeminacy, and effeminacy always leads to disorder. General truths can be helpful pointers, but they rarely tell the whole story.
It’s easy for this kind of thinking to become overly reductive, like there’s a guaranteed outcome if you just play your role properly.
But then I started working with men who, for all intents and purposes, were good men. Maybe they still had room to grow in being good at being men, but they were still solid guys. And yet, their wives were discontent, bitter, and resentful. These men had most of “the formula” down... but their wives were deeply unhappy.
Each person has to take responsibility for the state of their own heart and mind. They have to own their actions. It can’t be reduced down to: “Well, if he led better, then I’d be more loving… more submissive, more kind, more giving, more feminine…” But until he leads? “He gets nothing.”
That’s a toxic mindset, and a terrible place for any marriage to live.
Here’s what I didn’t fully grasp when I started Masculine Revival: Every marriage is different. Every person is different. And when two people join their lives together, what they create is utterly unique. You’ve got women with different temperaments, personalities, strengths, and weaknesses, and the same goes for men.
Trying to fit all marriages into one neat formula just doesn’t work.
Yes, there’s power in general truths, and I still believe the best arrangement for a marriage (especially for raising children) is a stay-at-home mother and a father as the primary provider. But real-world factors often make this difficult or even impossible. The economy is rough. Real wages have barely budged while the cost of living keeps climbing. Sometimes, couples have to adapt. They do what they can to survive. And are they wrong for that? No. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.
So marriage isn’t a simple three-step process. It’s not a plug-and-play formula with guaranteed results.
With that being said, let’s jump into some truths about marriage that are based in reality, not fantasy-laced expectations.
Marriage is a path of becoming.
When you get married, you bring all of yourself into the marriage, and so does your spouse. Every flaw. Every weakness. Every wound and every strength. Your whole life, past and present, is now joined with theirs, and together you walk toward a shared future.
So the question is: what are you becoming together?
Are you becoming full of blame, resentment, and hostility? Or are you learning how to love, serve, and die to yourself?
In Orthodox Christianity, the path of marriage is one of asceticism. It’s not about getting your needs met, it’s about learning to pour yourself out in love. Just like the monastic gives up everything for God, the married person is called to give up self for the sake of the other. That’s where real transformation begins.
But let me be clear: dying to yourself doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. It doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, manipulation, or mistreatment. True self-giving love always includes healthy boundaries, truth-telling, and mutual respect. Christ gave Himself up for the Church, but He never enabled sin.
Marriage exists to make you holy, not happy.
When two become one flesh… a lot has to die along the way. You commit your entire life to another person. And you expect that to be easy? No, because your flesh doesn’t want to die. It wants what it wants. It’s selfish. Self-centered. Self-protective. And marriage exposes that. It reveals how immature and self-serving we still are.
If you don’t have a spiritual framework to make sense of that process, it can feel overwhelming. But from an Orthodox lens, that very tension is the point. Marriage is a means of salvation. It is a sacred arena where you are shaped, purified, and slowly conformed to the image of Christ through daily acts of self-denial, service, and repentance.
Continual forgiveness offers new life in marriage.
You will fall, over and over again. You will fail, over and over again. So the question becomes: when you fail, do you harden your heart, shut down, and withdraw? Or do you soften, repent, and move toward your spouse again… and again… and again?
This is far closer to the truth about married life. It’s not a highlight reel. It’s not Instagram-perfect. It’s hard. It’s sanctifying. At times it feels destructive. At other times, healing. Often both.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending nothing happened. It means choosing not to let the past define the future. It means saying: “I’m still here. I still choose you.” And when both spouses are committed to that kind of ongoing mercy, marriage becomes something strong, lasting, and deeply life-giving.
So, if marriage isn’t a simple formula, is there anything you can actually count on? Is there a pattern or approach that really works? I believe there is, but it’s not flashy or quick. It’s slow, real, and demands both people be fully committed.
Here’s the closest thing to a formula that works over time:
Mutual Commitment to Growth
Marriage thrives when both partners are committed to growing: spiritually, emotionally, and relationally. If one person is growing while the other resists, it will create pain and frustration. Growth in marriage is not a solo journey; it’s a shared path.Take Responsibility for Yourself
Don’t get stuck blaming your spouse for everything that’s wrong. Own your part, lead yourself, and work on your own wounds. You can’t control your partner’s actions, but you can control how you respond and how you show up in the relationship.Communicate Honestly and Listen Well
Clear, honest, and respectful communication is one of the greatest tools you have. That means no passive aggression, no emotional dumping, but real conversations where both people feel heard and understood. Learning to listen well can change everything.Practice Daily Mercy
Forgiveness is not just for big betrayals… it’s a daily practice. Showing grace for small annoyances, being kind when you’re tired, offering patience when you feel misunderstood; these small acts of mercy build up a reservoir of love that can weather the storms.Keep God at the Center
A marriage rooted only in feelings or circumstances is fragile. When you keep God at the center—through prayer, worship, confession, and service—you root your marriage in something deeper and unshakable. This doesn’t have to be complicated, but it must be consistent.
Looking back, I thought the key was simply ‘be masculine and she’ll follow.’ But now I see marriage more like a garden. It takes daily care, patience, pruning, and protection. It won’t bloom overnight, and it certainly isn’t foolproof. But if you tend it faithfully, it can grow into something beautiful and lasting.
If your marriage feels hard right now, that doesn’t mean you’re failing. It might just mean you’re doing something real and something that’s worth fighting for. Don’t give up. Get help. Stay in the fight. On the other side of the struggle is a depth and beauty no quick formula can promise. So stay faithful and keep moving forward.
In your corner,
Brendan
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