A Deep Dive On Shame
How to address it once and for all.
Shame isn’t always bad, and there are moments where a person should feel ashamed. Modern society tells us a different story. We do everything in our power to ensure that nobody ever feels shame ever, even in instances where it would actually be healthy to feel a sense of shame. In fact we’ve taken it even further, we now glorify what is shameful (think about the morbidly obese fitness models whose shame has become their glory).
The truth is, sometimes shame is absolutely toxic and unhealthy for an individual to carry, and in other instances it is a healthy and natural response that can correct and improve our behavior. In any case, shame is a powerful emotion that can both crush a soul or spur on great action.
In this article, we will explore the difference between toxic shame and a healthy shame response, and I will lay out specific actions that you can take to address the shame in your life no matter what its source.
Toxic, unhealthy shame.
This form of shame is based around lies, not truth. Toxic shame stems from what you have come to believe about yourself that is patently false. It also comes from what other people have told you about who you are that is fundamentally untrue. Often, toxic shame stems from childhood. Although our parents are often well-intentioned, they can accidentally instill a sense of shame in us as children. With toxic shame it is not just your actions and behaviors that are shameful, it’s you who are shameful down to your core. It becomes a part of your identity. This is the type of shame that leads adults to believe that they are incapable and unworthy of living the life that they want, attracting the partner that they want, or being the type of person that they want to be. The core belief of not being good enough or worthy enough acts as an anchor that subconsciously weighs you down. When you identify with this type of shame, you will limit yourself, say no to opportunities and reach for less than you are capable of, due to the investment of belief in this false narrative. This false narrative is deeply uncomfortable to hold onto, but if it’s what you know you are likely to hold onto it because the uncomfortable known is often preferable to the uncomfortable unknown.
Addressing toxic shame.
Getting out of the toxic shame cycle can be broken down into these 4 steps. This is simple and straightforward, but not easy!
Finding genuine forgiveness towards individuals who caused you to feel shame.
Reflect on your life and think about how and where you came to believe certain falsities about yourself. Was it from your mother? Your father? A childhood bully? To start with, just let your mind ponder the idea of forgiving these individuals. Whatever emotion comes up as you meditate and reflect on this, lay it down at the feet of God. Your anger and sadness or whatever emotion comes up is valid and warranted, but continuing to hold onto it accomplishes nothing and diminishes you. Write about it, pray about it, talk about it and set aside time to reflect on it. The goal is to get to a place of genuine forgiveness. It happened, you’ve addressed it, and it’s time to move on.
A commitment to no longer investing your belief into the old shame narrative.
Once you’ve identified that this shame narrative is false, you need to stop investing energy and belief into the narrative. When it pops up in your mind, do battle with it. Refuse to accept it as true and don’t bend the knee to it. This is a mental discipline and a practice. You have forgiven, you have identified the shame as a false story, do not accept it as real or as something worthy of your time, energy and attention.
Affirming your identity in who God says you are according to His Word.
This is very much tied to point number 2. It’s not enough to simply do battle with the old, you must replace the old narrative with something eternally true and unshakably solid. Divesting your belief from what fallen men and women, or a fallen world has caused you to believe about yourself is one step. The next is to affirm your identity in who God says you are according to His Word. This is the one true source of ultimate stability and something that you can truly build around. It’s something inherently trustworthy and no matter the past or future attacks from the world, it is something that you can turn to in your times of need.Â
The acceptance of responsibility that now you can no longer use that old narrative as an excuse to not be and do what you want in life.
Finally, you must accept responsibility for the fact that you can no longer use your old shame narrative as a cop out or an excuse. We must be honest with ourselves. Even the worst stories we tell ourselves have some level of positive payoff for us. In many ways, that toxic shame becomes a safety blanket that we can pull out and put on anytime we don’t want to get out there and get after something that we want. Now that you have addressed your shame, you no longer have a scapegoat to blame. You are responsible. What you do or don’t do is on you. This is a liberating truth, celebrate it.
A healthy, natural shame response.
On the flip side, there are times where you should absolutely feel ashamed. There are two applications of this that immediately jump to mind.Â
You should feel ashamed when you’ve done something that is wrong, bad or evil.
You should feel bad about people you’ve hurt or wrongs that you have committed. The bible says that the law of God is written on our hearts. Our conscience convicts us of wrongdoing. As a result, we feel shame, guilt or remorse. That is a healthy and natural response. What is unhealthy is to live in that shame and carry it around day after day. This is one reason why we are called to repent of our sins in the bible. Make a point frequently of emptying your mind to God of the sins you have committed. Repent of it and ask Him for forgiveness.
Sometimes shame points to a hard truth.
The other healthy instance in which we should feel shame is when it is pointing us to a truth we are neglecting or rejecting. The truth is, maybe you are overweight. The truth is, maybe you are showing up like a loser in your life. You have a choice. Does this shame crush you and take you down into the pit further, or do you acknowledge the truth and let it spur you on towards positive action? If you are a coward, or weak, or a liar, or if you are objectively failing your family, you should feel ashamed about it. This is where society misleads us, because it is through feeling that shame and acknowledging our shortcomings that we are able to experience our need for God. A coward doesn’t need to be told that he’s not a coward. He needs to feel remorse about his cowardice and then take action to become brave. Shame when pointing to truth can be an amazing tool to direct positive action and to connect us to our fundamental need for God.
Hopefully this article encourages you to address the shame in your life appropriately. Living in shame is a terrible thing. Let me know if this article spoke to you!
In your corner,
Brendan
Powerful wisdom here Brendan thank you for sharing