4 Things You Need To Know About Masculine Leadership

Serve her by leading her.

Masculine leadership in the context of marriage to a woman isn’t about pitifully trying to appease her every emotion. It’s not about backbending and contorting yourself in an attempt to gain her approval, and neither is it about setting yourself on a mission to become the exact man that she wants you to be. Too many men get this concept horribly twisted, and too often guys will only start thinking about the topic of leadership in their marriage after their spouse complains to them repeatedly about their apparent failure to lead them effectively.

In today’s article, I will shed some light on the topic of masculine leadership. We will explore what to do as a leader, and what NOT to do as a leader, and I will share some things that I see guys get totally backwards when it comes to this concept.

1. Leadership isn’t about being perfect, and you don’t need to be perfect to lead.

Sadly, there are many guys out there who punish themselves horribly for the simple fact that they are a flawed, imperfect man. Gentlemen, the first thing you need to remember is that you are just a man. There is nothing wrong with this. So often guys will get this idea in their head that they aren’t Christ-like enough, or they will hear repeatedly from their spouse about their apparent failures as a husband and they will start to believe that they are the biggest piece of sh*t going. Strive for excellence without driving yourself into the ground for not being perfect. Seek to improve and be honest about your shortcomings and areas of weakness, but don’t develop an overly apologetic and remorseful posture with your spouse. It’s gross and repulsive to continually pedestalize her while acting like you aren’t good enough for her.

2. You must be able to say no, stand your ground, and speak the hard truths.

Being chronically agreeable, never saying no, and having no backbone isn’t leadership, it’s being a pushover. As the head of your household, you have to be able to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. I see so many husbands get absolutely lost in their marriages because they take on their wives' perspective as absolute truth. They lose all sense of their own opinion and point of view. I heard an author once say, “you can’t lead in your relationship if you don’t have your own preferences, opinions, views and boundaries.” How are you going to lead her if you have completely adopted her perspective of you? If you’ve lost track of your own opinion and perspective of what’s happening within your marriage, you need to take a minute to unplug from what she is saying and reconnect to what you think about what’s going on. Going along to get along and agreeing with her on everything will work in the short term, but in the long run she is going to resent you and have no respect for you because you’ve essentially abdicated leadership and just follow whatever she says. The bible says that your yes should mean yes and your no should mean no. Be willing to say what needs to be said and to do what needs to be done. This isn’t a call to be tyrannical or dismissive of her in any way. You can listen to her, admit when she’s right, tell her when she’s wrong, and do all of this firmly but lovingly. 

3. Admit your mistakes, own your screw ups, readily apologize, and then move forward.

Listen, you are going to say and do the wrong thing from time to time. The reality isn’t going to be utter perfection, and if she is expecting perfection from you, you need to address that. What you do after a mistake often matters more than the mistake itself. Readily apologize and be willing to own up to your stuff. Some wives will use past mistakes as a battering ram against their husbands. Be able to say, here’s where I screwed up, here’s everything I take responsibility and accountability for, here’s what I’ve learned, and here’s how I’m moving forward now. THAT is what makes you trustworthy in her eyes. What ruins trust is when you sheepishly apologize for stuff you shouldn’t even be saying sorry for in the first place. Don’t agree with her that you are actually so terrible and mean and bad if it isn’t the truth. In any case, forgiveness and grace should be readily shared between both of you. Sometimes men will fall into this trap of believing that their performance as a husband needs to be immaculate after they make a mistake. Inevitably they fall short and then think of themselves as deserving of punishment from their wives. This is a vicious cycle because perfect performance is impossible. What men need to understand is that we are all sinners, and we are called to lead in spite of our sinfulness. She has a sin nature and so do you, what you do in the face of that is what matters most.

4. Be the man that you want to be, and maintain a vision and direction for yourself.

All too often a man gets married and then doesn’t have a goal past that. He’s arrived, puts it into coast and stagnates in a comfortable complacency. As a result, his wife gets restless. Eventually he decides he needs to change because his wife has told him so countless times. So he sets himself on the path of becoming who he thinks she wants him to be, which really isn’t what she even wanted in the first place. She wants HIM to be the man that HE wants to be so that she can follow his direction. A man has to have vision. He has to know where he is going. Otherwise she will start feeling the reflexive need to get into the driver seat, which is ultimately a position she resents being in. 

Closing Thoughts:

So many relational issues are solved when a man is just forward moving in his life without prompting from his wife. Know who you are, know what you want and know where you are going. Be loving, present and do your best. If you have that dialed, don’t let yourself get bullied by your wife. Leadership isn’t always sweet, gentle, soft, agreeable and nice. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is speak a hard truth. Cultivate a well rounded view of what leadership in your marriage looks like. Alot of guys adopt the “servant leadership” viewpoint and end up making themselves subservient to their wives in the process. Servant leadership means that you serve her by leading her, and sometimes that means saying and doing difficult and uncomfortable things.

Hope this serves you,

Brendan